We all make choices, but in the end our choices make us...

Many people come to nursing later in life so I thought it might be helpful to explain where I came from and why I made my decision to pursue adult nursing.

I started out, at a very young age helping to care for my family. I'm the youngest of 5 siblings; 4 girls and 1 boy (bless him!). My Mam is an absolute inspiration and has devoted her life to bringing up her (very complicated!) children and caring full time for one of my sisters. She was born perfectly normal but at the age of 1 she had the Measles vaccine, which caused severe brain damage - the technical name is vaccine encephalopathy. This meant that a very normal little girl, who spent the small amount of time she had on her feet being mischievous, was no longer able to function in the way that she had. Her behaviours changed and she lost the abilities that she had developed in her first year. She never developed the ability to walk, talk and feed herself and became entirely dependent on our family to complete daily tasks. I was born several years later and as soon as I was old enough, I threw myself in to caring for my sister - aiding her with all of the things she needed. Of course she never lost her mischievous side and took every opportunity to knock my dinner from my lap, trip me up, laugh at me when I fell/bumped into things/generally injured myself, and all other sorts of naughty behaviour - evil little sense of humour she has! :) Now she is 32 years old, still being cared for by my Mam and my family and still causing mischief. Of course caring for your family is very different to caring in the public/private sector. But nonetheless, this is where the first urge to work in care came to me. Later on something big was to change my direction in life...

When I was 11 my eldest sister suffered a major stroke, aged 22. This experience shook me to my core. I looked on, too young to do anything substantial, as another blow struck my family. As I explained earlier, my Mam literally is a hero and refuses to let anything get her down. She powered through. I did my best to follow in her footsteps, although honestly at such a young age I hardly knew what was going on. My sister lost her motor skills and had to relearn everything, which, with the help of health professionals, rehabilitation teams and family she did (and is now a high calibre graduate to boot!). It was at this point that I discovered a path that I would pursue in the future - teaching. I helped my sister regain her abilities to read, write and talk and thoroughly enjoyed the experience. Following this I took on every teaching or mentoring role I could throughout school. My friends would pile their work onto my desk so that I could proof read it for them and give them pointers to improve it. I loved being helpful in this way. I had also trained in Aikido for many years, achieved black belt and began teaching classes. Everyone told me how good I was and encouraged me to pursue a career in teaching.

To cut a long story short I was accepted onto a teaching degree but did not achieve the A Level results to continue with it. It was around this time that another challenge was sent towards my family. My Mam was diagnosed with MS (multiple sclerosis). Admittedly, I lost my way a little, confused as to how all of the other people at school and sixth form 'seemed' to glide through life with a normal family experience. Why was my road always so bumpy? I couldn't focus on anything and went through a stage of going out a lot, drinking, as some form of escapism. When I finally let reality back in, I took a good look at what I had. I'm pretty sure you've gathered by now that I think rather highly of my Mam (as most people do, obviously!), but she has more fight in her than anyone I have ever known. She was what I had, my siblings were what I had. I had to do something, if not for me, for them, after all, my Mam had sacrificed so much for me, I had to give her something back. I made the decision to complete a degree in English Literature and Education with the idea of completing a Primary PGCE afterwards, and so, I plugged away and worked hard to achieve a 2:1. I don't think I'll ever forget how proud my Mam was at my graduation. Shortly after, I applied for the Primary PGCE but did not gain a place. I was devastated but took it as an opportunity to gain some work experience. After trying to gain a position in a school environment and failing, I noticed a job in a care setting, specifically supporting the needs of disabled adults - an area where I was very comfortable given my experience. After about a month I became very good at this job. I loved the ladies I worked with and had developed such a great bond with them, however after around a year the council started to make massive staff and budget cuts. It was at this point that I realised I had to look for something more stable.

I decided to reapply for the PGCE and after a short wait, discovered that I had a place. With great sadness, I handed in my notice and said goodbye to the people I had grown so close to, preparing myself for a very challenging year ahead. As soon as I began the course I felt a bit lost but I kept on going, gripping onto the passion that I'd had for years. My first school placement rolled around - it wasn't great, but I loved working with children. My second placement was better, working with older children with SEN, an area of comfort. I loved helping them 1-1 and interacting with them. Third placement: this was the moment when I realised how much of an error I had made. As I said, I love working with children but I certainly did not enjoy shouting at, or telling them off, planning until 4am, getting back up 6am and generally teaching children in such a strict and constrained environment. I have never been a particularly authoritative person and really struggled with these aspects. I sat down and asked myself if I wanted to continue to put myself through it, and each time I told myself no. Could I see myself teaching in 40+ years? I couldn't even see myself teaching for the following 40 days! People always came back to me and told me to continue with it, my Mam included - "There's not long left!", "You can do it!", "Just keep going!", were the resounding cheers that everybody directed towards me. I pushed myself, wanting to make my Mam proud, defying my gut feeling, extended my study, tried my hardest to fit back into a school setting, refusing to give in, to complete the final 8 weeks of my PGCE...but my heart was not in it. My heart no longer belonged there. I don't think it ever did. It wasn't fair to keep doing this, for myself, for the profession and for the kids. My Mam agreed that it was wrong to do something that I didn't want to do, and supported me in the decision that I had to make. I decided there and then that I'd had enough of lying to myself so I quit. This was the biggest and best decision of my life. You can truly only see the light when you have taken steps down a path. If you simply look at a path without taking a step, you get a restricted view and cannot feel the ground beneath your feet. It is when you take steps on the road that you discover the truth. As cliché as it sounds, that's the way it was and is.

I had been working for a care agency for the last 2 years, prior to and during the PGCE. It was partially this experience that cemented the fact that I no longer wanted to be a teacher and admitted to myself what I really wanted to do - nurse. The memories that stick in my mind are coming home from teaching placements and being an emotional wreck vs. coming home from a care setting feeling fulfilled and happy. I spoke with several professional tutors, current nurses, my family, friends, my partner, researched courses and the realities of the profession, had a holiday to think about things and came out the other end with a plan firmly in my head and in my heart. I had to apply to undertake nursing training! It came to me that, after everything, the happiest I have ever been has been in a care setting, whether it be personal or professional. So I applied for an adult nursing degree at a prestigious University, something I should have done a long time ago. After around 2 weeks I heard back from the Uni - they wanted to interview me! I attended the interview, which went very well and heard back after 10 days that I had a place, and here I am!

I hope I haven't bored you with my long winded tale, but I just wanted to let people out there know that sometimes people come around to things after a long time, after pursuing several other things. That doesn't mean that you want it any less than the next person, nor does it mean that you won't get it. I've had a rather complicated personal/professional/educational life so far and finally feel that I am on the right path for me. I can always take forward the skills I learnt from teaching and will definitely use them for mentoring, teaching small groups or in martial arts teaching again, but I most certainly won't be going back into a traditional classroom again.

I urge anyone who is unhappy with their current path in life to take account of what you have and what you want. Don't lie to yourself. If you think you want to pursue something else, look into it, ask questions, research until you are blue in the face, make sure you are sure! You never know...it might be the best thing you ever do. I know it was for me.